I'm am writing in this blog today mostly to vent out. Second, to put my thoughts on something I can look back on and try to make sense out of when I'm in a better state to cope with it. Of all my channels, this one is probably the most appropriate. I welcome opinions to so if you have 2 cents, feel free to toss it in.
For a week prior to this posting, I feel like I've lost a sense of purpose. I'm working to provide shelter for myself and my dog... and thats it. I don't feel like I'm contributing to anything in life- big scale or small scale. And on top of that, my roomates fight and bring down each other's spirit and its starting to affect me. Fuck! I have not felt this depressed since God knows when! (Funny for an athiest to use that expression, I know).
Prior to all this, I use to belong to a charity called United Way through Target. And I use to lend my skills (sometimes for little compensation) to serve my fellow man. I use to teach Martial Arts and women's self- defense for way less money than a student would pay if they enrolled at a studio. Even as a challenge for myself, I trained a young man who never been in a fight in his life to compete in a full contact sport: boxing
When I was doing these things, I felt like I was contributing to the world- even if it was a small corner of it, I felt great. But now that I'm no longer working at Target, I am no longer enrolled with United Way. Now that I've moved into a job that takes up much more of my time (sometimes weekends), I have very little time to do much of anything else. So why did I take it? It is the best paying job I ever had. For the first time, I'm not having to work two lower income jobs to keep up with life's never ending financial demands (rent, utilities, bills, etc.)
Its weird, I went from little time (because of two jobs), little income (they barely paid past min. wage) to one job (supposedely more time) to higher income and I still feel like I'm missing out on life.
Maybe I need a girlfreind? Mmmm. I never thought relying on someone else to make myself happy sounded practical (learned it from previous relationships). But don't get me wrong, I do enjoy female companionship from time to time, but I feel like I've lost my edge. Fuck.
Pickup a new hobby? I feel like whether its learning music or playing video games, or whatever else it may be, I'm only surpressing my feeling of insignificance to the world. Fuck, I'm getting depressed right about now....Goddamnit!
I was training to do a kickboxing tournament but due to conditions beyond my control (sickness that developed into respiratory infection) I will not be ready on time to fight. For anybody who has invested time with the upmost focus and effort only to have your opportunity taken away from you, it is painful! Godamnit its painful bringing it up right now! So I haven't worked out in about two weeks now...Fuck...
So I'm working and putting away money...Not sure what for other than to cover my cost of living. Haven't had the motivation to persue anything else lately. And now I don't know what I want from life... I don't know what to give... I hate this...Goddamnit...
